Laziness

So yeah, its been a long time since I've written anything down, but oddly enough I have a lot of thoughts running through my head.  I just haven't gotten around to actually writing it all down.  This post may be really really long, so you might want to go use the bathroom, grab a bite to eat, and settle in a comfortable chair and then come back to this blog.  ok hopefully its not that long, but we shall see. 

So I'm gonna start what has most recently popped into my head and work backwards from there.  

Today I was driving home from work, like 30 minutes ago, and listening to my iphone, like always, when one of my favorite songs came on.  "If Love Was Enough" by Graham Colton.  I'm pretty sure there are no references to God in this, and I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be related to God in any way either.  For me however, this song hit hard.  The chorus of this song says "If love was enough I'd wrap it around you, if love was enough to make you stay, if love was enough it would surround you, if love was enough for you."  I guess after midtown last night and the impact of what dustin said, which i will get to later, i had been thinking a lot about my relationship with Christ and then this song came on.  On most days i would think, man thats a crappy relationship, or man i wish i even had a relationship.  Today however, something different came to mind, something that hurt.  

Is Christ's love enough for me?

If it's enough for me, it should surround me.  If his love is enough for me it should make me stay, keep me from straying, keep me from wanting love from other people, things, etc.  If his love is enough for me, i would feel his loving arms wrapping around me.  If it is enough for me.  I bet Graham Colton wasn't going for that in the song.  I know this is something i desire.  I mean if his love isn't enough for me then whose is?  Whose love do i think is going to be enough for me when his isn't? 

"This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."  1 John 3:16

I keep struggling with this though, even though i have the ultimate love, i keep searching for another, desiring another.  I wouldn't even know what love is if it wasn't for the ultimate sacrifice that was made for my life.  Yet another thing I'm trying to work on.  Another thing God is teaching me, by loving me the best way I can be loved.  By Him.  

That's not all I've been learning/thinking about though.  I told you this would probably be really long, so just bear with me here.  Go take a bathroom break, we are switching gears here.

So lately two f words have been on my mind.  

Fear

Failure

I'm not sure why but so many songs, sermons, just regular conversations have consisted of either both or one of these words.  

"I'm the type of person who lets fear drive me"

Um, yes.  If I'm gonna be completely honest here, this is where my life is right now.  Fear drives the things i do most of the time.  Fear of failure is probably the biggest one.  Fear of failure in school, fear of failure at work, fear of failure in relationships, and fear of failure in my relationship with Christ.  I won't unwrap all of those but I will take a few.  

I think the biggest two i struggle with are my fear of failure in relationships and my fear of failure in my relationship with Christ.  Out of those fears, i do a lot of stupid things.  Dustin hit that hard last night with a few of the things he said.  Dustin's message focused on Mark chapter 9, mainly 9: 42-47.  In case you're not familiar with this passage or have just forgotten, i'll place it here for your convenience:

"And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell,"

Intense right?  when i read this passage i kinda want to be like, woah God just chill out.  And then i realize that this is intense, this is a battle.  I'm just gonna go ahead and encourage you to check out the podcast for yourself because this blog isn't going to do it justice.  Midtown Fellowship Teaching:  Snapshots of Redemption Mark 9.  I really encourage you to hit it up.  

anywho, i'll outline the message for the most part because thats the only way i can get at what hit me so hard and where i want to go with this.  

Where are you tempted?

So dustin went through this long list of things such as alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, arrogance, pride, you know, the big stuff.  I was like, nope, nope, nope, nope, ok so i dont struggle with any of that.  And then dustin was like, if you're sitting there saying no, no no no no you're probably a little self righteous, and i think thats when i decided to admit to myself that i can be very self righteous.  Alcohol, drugs, sex, those things are for other people, im a good person.  There are seriously times that i sit and think, man i cant believe said person does that, or i would never do that.  I'm not quite sure that i'm even getting across all the things that are actually in my head.  Another big thing that hit me, my appearance in front of other people.  The way people perceive me.  This affects me so much so that there are times when i lie, exaggerate, stretch the truth, whatever you want to call it, to build myself up or the attention drawn to me.  It sucks.  A lot.  I hate it, i really do, which is why I'm writing this in the open, so that there are people that can keep me accountable which is one of dustin's points coincidently.  

Who are you walking with?

So if you listen to the podcast, i skipped 2 big questions.  Anyways this part is where i get shaky.  I know how important it is to have people walking with you, but that means they have to know you, know you're struggles.  there lies my fear.  fear of relationships.  Fear of the intimacy that walking with someone requires.  I dont mean intimacy as in physical, i mean emotional.  Knowing the deep rooted issues in eachothers lives.  It scares me because all i think about is, they're not going to like me if they really know me.  they are not going to like me if they know what i've done.  and on and on and on with the reasons someone wouldnt like me.  then i realize that there is no way i can get through the temptations and struggles i have without the church.  without the relationships that the church is made up of.  

This whole fear in my relationship with Christ comes a lot from not spending enough time in it.  That's all there is to it.  there is fear in uncertainty that leads me to do things in order to feel secure.  

I'm hitting my wall of all those great thoughts i had are fading because i'm really tired so ill have to continue this tomorrow night.  so long for now.  i dont think this was as long as i thought it was gonna be. Goodnight.