Ramblings

Oh man it has been so long since i have sat down and written something here.  

Things are different, obviously, a month has gone by, that's natural i guess.  I'm in charleston now.  In a new home, with a lot more to do with my time.  

Being back here is like a roller coaster of emotions.  I love it one minute and the next i want to go back to one responsibility a week and the hardest thing i had to do was get up in the morning.  Now I'm struggling to find time to relax and enjoy my new environment with my new roommate.  It's strange, yet all too familiar for me.  I can hear my mother now, telling me to say no.  Telling me to stop being so willing to do everything.  Just say no Aly, you don't have to do everything.  

That's the problem though, i feel like i DO have to do everything.  I can't say no.  It's not like i want to say no either, i love to say yes.  I don't feel like I'm forcing myself to say yes.  I'm just saying yes to too much.  I want to do this and that, but this and that can't mix.  I'm beginning to feel the very familiar emotion of stress and being overwhelmed.  I know that worry is a sin, however in times like the present worry is natural.  

I have this idea of what i'd like to see on the college of charleston campus this fall, however it's not happening the way i thought it would.  I want to see a group of people loving out of the overflow of their heart.  I want to see people loving because they can't hold in the love they have for Christ and just want to tell everyone they meet.  I want God to use me to start this kind of group in intervarsity.  the problem is how.  the problem is logistics.  my mind is full of how when what who where.  i cant even fully get out the jungle that is my mind right now.  my mind sees this happening one way and others see it happening another.  I'm not sure if I'm just not in line with Christ's vision or if i am and this is something i should stick up for.  I want to see a group of people living like 1 John 4:16-21 calls us to:

"God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

This post isn't really even coherent.  I just needed to write something down to get out some level of stress. I'm trying to figure out what purpose it is that God has for me being on the College of Charleston campus because i hardly believe that it is just for school.  I know i have a greater purpose here.  I want to live that out.  I want to follow his heart for the campus and follow where he leads.  I want to take people with me.  I just hope they will see and follow.  I hope this is something my friends have a passion for as well and want to see happen.  pray that something big will come out of Charleston students who are christians.  not just intervarsity but all christian organizations.  That they would see the need our student body has for Christ.  I don't want to leave this campus knowing God was calling me to do something and i didnt do it.  I do not want to leave here knowing i did not obey his calling for my life.  I want to know him and make him known. 

"As a prisoner for the Lord, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."

 - Ephesians 4:1

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show
Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stomp on my ears when you’re singing ‘em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you’re praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
There’s blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don’t fit in your plan
Quit playing religion games
There’s blood on your hands

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

Let’s argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let’s argue this out
You’ll be one of the clouds
Let’s argue this out
Quit fooling around
Give love to the ones who can’t love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can’t stand at all, all
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

This is a song called "instead of a show" by jon foreman that was sang at midtown a couple weeks ago.  I should have put it up a lot sooner but have just neglected to do so till now.  To be honest I'm not sure this song needs much explanation or thought because it pretty much says it all and I'm sure you can pick out the point I'm making in this.  The song is from a passage, Amos 5:21, look it up.  Crazy, intense.  Enjoy. 

Laziness

So yeah, its been a long time since I've written anything down, but oddly enough I have a lot of thoughts running through my head.  I just haven't gotten around to actually writing it all down.  This post may be really really long, so you might want to go use the bathroom, grab a bite to eat, and settle in a comfortable chair and then come back to this blog.  ok hopefully its not that long, but we shall see. 

So I'm gonna start what has most recently popped into my head and work backwards from there.  

Today I was driving home from work, like 30 minutes ago, and listening to my iphone, like always, when one of my favorite songs came on.  "If Love Was Enough" by Graham Colton.  I'm pretty sure there are no references to God in this, and I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be related to God in any way either.  For me however, this song hit hard.  The chorus of this song says "If love was enough I'd wrap it around you, if love was enough to make you stay, if love was enough it would surround you, if love was enough for you."  I guess after midtown last night and the impact of what dustin said, which i will get to later, i had been thinking a lot about my relationship with Christ and then this song came on.  On most days i would think, man thats a crappy relationship, or man i wish i even had a relationship.  Today however, something different came to mind, something that hurt.  

Is Christ's love enough for me?

If it's enough for me, it should surround me.  If his love is enough for me it should make me stay, keep me from straying, keep me from wanting love from other people, things, etc.  If his love is enough for me, i would feel his loving arms wrapping around me.  If it is enough for me.  I bet Graham Colton wasn't going for that in the song.  I know this is something i desire.  I mean if his love isn't enough for me then whose is?  Whose love do i think is going to be enough for me when his isn't? 

"This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."  1 John 3:16

I keep struggling with this though, even though i have the ultimate love, i keep searching for another, desiring another.  I wouldn't even know what love is if it wasn't for the ultimate sacrifice that was made for my life.  Yet another thing I'm trying to work on.  Another thing God is teaching me, by loving me the best way I can be loved.  By Him.  

That's not all I've been learning/thinking about though.  I told you this would probably be really long, so just bear with me here.  Go take a bathroom break, we are switching gears here.

So lately two f words have been on my mind.  

Fear

Failure

I'm not sure why but so many songs, sermons, just regular conversations have consisted of either both or one of these words.  

"I'm the type of person who lets fear drive me"

Um, yes.  If I'm gonna be completely honest here, this is where my life is right now.  Fear drives the things i do most of the time.  Fear of failure is probably the biggest one.  Fear of failure in school, fear of failure at work, fear of failure in relationships, and fear of failure in my relationship with Christ.  I won't unwrap all of those but I will take a few.  

I think the biggest two i struggle with are my fear of failure in relationships and my fear of failure in my relationship with Christ.  Out of those fears, i do a lot of stupid things.  Dustin hit that hard last night with a few of the things he said.  Dustin's message focused on Mark chapter 9, mainly 9: 42-47.  In case you're not familiar with this passage or have just forgotten, i'll place it here for your convenience:

"And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell,"

Intense right?  when i read this passage i kinda want to be like, woah God just chill out.  And then i realize that this is intense, this is a battle.  I'm just gonna go ahead and encourage you to check out the podcast for yourself because this blog isn't going to do it justice.  Midtown Fellowship Teaching:  Snapshots of Redemption Mark 9.  I really encourage you to hit it up.  

anywho, i'll outline the message for the most part because thats the only way i can get at what hit me so hard and where i want to go with this.  

Where are you tempted?

So dustin went through this long list of things such as alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, arrogance, pride, you know, the big stuff.  I was like, nope, nope, nope, nope, ok so i dont struggle with any of that.  And then dustin was like, if you're sitting there saying no, no no no no you're probably a little self righteous, and i think thats when i decided to admit to myself that i can be very self righteous.  Alcohol, drugs, sex, those things are for other people, im a good person.  There are seriously times that i sit and think, man i cant believe said person does that, or i would never do that.  I'm not quite sure that i'm even getting across all the things that are actually in my head.  Another big thing that hit me, my appearance in front of other people.  The way people perceive me.  This affects me so much so that there are times when i lie, exaggerate, stretch the truth, whatever you want to call it, to build myself up or the attention drawn to me.  It sucks.  A lot.  I hate it, i really do, which is why I'm writing this in the open, so that there are people that can keep me accountable which is one of dustin's points coincidently.  

Who are you walking with?

So if you listen to the podcast, i skipped 2 big questions.  Anyways this part is where i get shaky.  I know how important it is to have people walking with you, but that means they have to know you, know you're struggles.  there lies my fear.  fear of relationships.  Fear of the intimacy that walking with someone requires.  I dont mean intimacy as in physical, i mean emotional.  Knowing the deep rooted issues in eachothers lives.  It scares me because all i think about is, they're not going to like me if they really know me.  they are not going to like me if they know what i've done.  and on and on and on with the reasons someone wouldnt like me.  then i realize that there is no way i can get through the temptations and struggles i have without the church.  without the relationships that the church is made up of.  

This whole fear in my relationship with Christ comes a lot from not spending enough time in it.  That's all there is to it.  there is fear in uncertainty that leads me to do things in order to feel secure.  

I'm hitting my wall of all those great thoughts i had are fading because i'm really tired so ill have to continue this tomorrow night.  so long for now.  i dont think this was as long as i thought it was gonna be. Goodnight. 

Hosanna

So i love the song "Hosanna" by Hillsong.  to be honest i don't know many people that don't love the song.  its great.  brooke fraser is amazing.  anyways, i was listening to this song today like i do most days and this time i decided to listen and think about my favorite part of the song:

"Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your Kingdom cause

As i walk from earth into, eternity."

Oh man, there's just so much in there. its overwhelming.  I dont think i can go through all of it tonight so this may have to be a two part posting, i look forward to writing to be continued at the end.  haha.  I kinda want to be different and start with the second part instead of the first because it hits me the hardest.  Well thats not true.  I think im just going to pick the lines that hit me the hardest and go with it.  

"break my heart for what breaks yours"

What breaks God's heart?  Do i want my heart to break for what breaks God's heart really? Cuz i mean just thinking about it, i bet thats A. a lot of stuff and B. including stuff i dont like or care about.  If im just gonna be honest here.  So first, what does it mean for something to "break your heart."  Ok just googling that phrase gave me about 100 different songs.  I doubt theyre going for the same effect here as "break my heart for what breaks yours."  After looking at everything Ive basically come to the shocking conclusion that having my heart break for something is essentially my heart hurting so badly for something that it is broken, aching, no longer whole, basically you cant ignore a broken heart and whatever breaks it.   I imagine that this break would cause some sort of longing to fix the break and therefore move myself into action to help what breaks my heart.  So now that we've established kinda what breaking of the heart looks like, what breaks God's heart?  I'm pretty sure there's no place in the bible where it specifically states, God's heart breaks for... If I'm wrong please let me know.  What i can say though is that I'm pretty sure that God's heart breaks for those who don't know him, amongst other things. I think this is the biggest thing and the point this song is trying to get across.  There are days that i think i could say yes, my heart breaks for those who don't know God.  But if that were true, my heart wouldnt "break" for like five minutes and then be fine for the next 5 weeks.  Is it important to me? yes.  does it break my heart that people don't know the Lord? not nearly as much as it should.  I think its something i'm growing in though.  I know Gods plan for my life has a lot to do with missions, evangelism that sort of thing and im even a part of that in school right now being an outreach leader.  I guess what im saying is that i wish my heart broke for people who dont know God.  man this hits so close to home, having so many friends who dont truly know christ and living the middle of downtown charleston with thousands of students who act like they could care less.   its just something that should hit me harder then it does, and its something i want to keep praying for.  For God to break my heart for those who don't know him, especially those on my campus.  I've wasted two years of college, I don't want to waste two more.  I also wish i could say that everything I am is for God's kingdom.  For now i really need to sleep so ill be signing off for now.  Night night. 

Planes

I can't help but feel like there is a plane ticket with my name on it that i am currently ignoring for what i thought was comfort.  The things i thought before dont make sense anymore.  The reasons i had are no longer there.  

All I'm left with is one question.  Why am I still here? 

Frustration...

Its the summer, and I wish it was the fall.  For real? I must be one of the weirdest college kids around.  I guess it's not the school i miss, what am i saying? i KNOW its not the school i miss.  i miss the community, the family i left in charleston.  some days are harder then others and today is just one of those days.  i dont really have anything else to add to that, just needed to throw it out there. 

today also was hard for another reason.  God gave me a little, "dont run away from this situation" moment on the way to work this morning and again on the ride home that afternoon.  I was listening to some needtobreathe, hillsong, and other great christian bands when this thought came to my head.  Man i wish we could sing this song in worship, and again on the next song.  To be honest this isnt the first time this thought has run through my head, it actually comes quite frequently.  It was during that moment that God tapped me on the shoulder and asked, why?  Why would you like to sing this song at your next church service?  I quickly tried to come up with an answer i knew was a lie to cover up my real motives, but thats a joke right? Coming up with a lie to fool God. Yeah, I'm very stubborn.  I know and i'm working on it. 

Truth is, i want to sing those songs because i like them.  Because i enjoy singing them.  Not because they praise God in some way thats more amazing than others.  No, its all about me.  Again.  

In the swing of things...

so im really gonna try and write something here often.  im not going to say every day because i want to set a reasonable goal for myself, and that is not.  So tonight i sit here listening to the song "None but Jesus" by Hillsong and I've found the lyrics that hit me hard tonight.  

"All my delight is in you Lord,

All of my hope, all of my strength

  All my delight is in you Lord, forevermore" 

I think the reason this hits me so hard is because of the word "all".  That word just encompasses a lot of things.  I'm gonna be really dorky about this whole thing and bring in a lot of definitions because i think knowing exactly what the words mean literally can say a lot more than me just going off of what i think it all means.  So i'm just gonna go into a definition frenzy here so watch out.

All - the whole of (as in a quantity, extent, of duration)

Delight - a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture

Hope - a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Strength - something or someone that gives one strength or is a source of power or encouragement; sustenance

The reason i looked up the definitions of these words especially is because i feel like they are in a lot of songs i sing.  I use these words a lot.  For the record, Hope is my middle name, in case you didnt know that, there's a little something extra for ya.  Back to the point.  I think the reason this particular part of the song hits me so hard is because of the word ALL. It's such a short word and i dont think i fully wrap my head around the idea of all my delight.  i fail miserably at that.  I could be totally wrong about what this song is trying to say, but the way i take it is that the whole quantity of my pleasure or at least the highest degrees of pleasure are in the Lord, his love for me, him in me, etc.  At least it should be that way.  I cannot honestly say that for myself.  I delight in a lot of things.  For example, my friendships and the time i spend with my friends.  Those times arent always spent glorifying God.  Most of the time i find more enjoyment in the time i spend with my friends than with God.  So can i honestly say that all my delight is in the Lord? ALL of it? No i cannot honestly say that right now.  Do i want to, yes.  Badly.  Am i there yet? Not even close.  What's to say i will ever get to that point? How can i say ALL of my delight will be in the Lord, FOREVERMORE??!?!?  That would mean that I would have to get to a point where all of my delight is in the Lord.  I mean obviously I'm not perfect and im going to screw up, a lot.  I'm going to find delight in other things, which brings me to my other question.  What does that even look like? To have ALL of my delight in the Lord?   

"ALL of my hope"

Ok i think this hits me hard for two reasons.  the word hope is such a strong word taken lightly in day to day conversations.   For instance, "i hope i get that job."  This is a phrase I've used quite frequently as of late.  When i think of hope, what im actually trying to convey is, this is how i want things to go.  This is why i look up definitions because I don't think the song is saying, ALL of the things i want to happen are in you Lord.  Hope requires trust.  Making what i want happen does not require trust.  I don't think you can place ALL of your hope into someone without trusting them completely as well.  So what i am saying is that i am putting ALL of my trust in you God that ALL of the circumstances in my life will work out according to you and your design.  Woah.  This is the point where i struggle to say anything for fear of lying to myself.  telling myself that yeah Aly you trust God's plan for your life, remember that one time you trusted him?  oh but wait there was that other time that you didnt, and that other time, and oh yeah that time to.  Basically what I'm saying is that ALL of my hope is not in the Lord.  Right now that hits really close to home.  Really really really close.  Trusting God's plan for my life is not something i find myself doing at the moment.  I keep coming back to Moses.  He continually gives God excuses and were always so hard on him.  Were like, Moses dude, God is about to use you in a HUGE way and you're whining to God that you arent a good speaker?  Come on man have a little faith in God why dont ya.  Mmmmm well I find myself in an interesting position in my life.  Feeling like God is telling me to do something big with my life and sitting back and asking for a detailed plan.  Complete with a schedule, map, and compass to point me in the exact direction.  God has yet to do this.  Shocker.  I complain.  Shocker.  He still doesnt tell me.  This brings me to the reason this hits me so hard.  ALL of my hope/trust should be in the Lord and his plan for my life.  I find most of my hope is placed in other things in my life, for example, my major.  I place a lot of hope for my life on my major and the job it will get me.  This is why i think God is rocking my world in this area right now.  Want to know more? Ask me about it. this post is already to long.  

"ALL of my strength"

mmmmmm yeah, again i'm feeling like this is gonna get me.  What this says to me is that ALL of my strength should be in the Lord.  The Lord alone should sustain me.  That is all.  Now, as a college student, i place a lot of value in sleep and its power.  I slack off a lot of the time on having a quiet time for that extra 30 minutes of sleep or heading to bed early so i can get up in the morning.  Basically what I'm saying is that i trust sleep and not God.  I trust sleep to strengthen me to get through the day, not God.  Why do i trust sleep?  because i have slept many times and found that it strengthens me.  Why do i not trust God?  because i very rarely go to God for my strength.  I would rather sleep, go to someone tangible, etc.  So the take home message for today?  Something i can sleep on?  Trust.  ALL of it. In him.  alone.  

Good night.